Q: Dr. Krishna, I am a receptionist at a hotel. Although most people are good to deal with, some people irritate me a lot by behaving very badly. How  can I keep my cool throughout the day? This is draining my energy!

Krishna: My brother-in-law is an airport manager of an international airline. He too complains about the irate travellers he has to deal with daily. He has to cover his colleagues' rudeness too sometimes! Most of the time loss of sleep (because of night duties) makes this even worse. Keeping your cool while in a groggy mood is extremely difficult.

Being polite at work when you don’t feel like it is similar to any situation in life that requires you to make the effort to mask your true feelings.

Putting on a smile despite somebody troubling you is one such thing.

Like you say, it’s exhausting, especially if your job means you have to do it all day long and continue into the night. In a work context, psychologists call it ‘emotional labour’, which involves either ‘surface acting’ – concealing your true feelings – or ‘deep acting’. 

The latter means altering your actual underlying feelings, which can be achieved by various means, such as reappraising the scenario. For example, by taking the perspective of an irate customer and so genuinely sympathising with their situation (but who sympathises with you, you are being paid to be polite by your customers!)

Due to the effort and emotional regulation involved, both forms of emotional labour can be tiring. But there’s some evidence that the deep acting version is better for the employee and customers – probably because it’s more convincing and it creates a virtuous feedback loop in which the employee is rewarded by their customer’s satisfaction, such as a smile or a 'thank you'.

But most people don't even say a thank you. They think you are just doing your duty and you are being paid for it like the actors. 

There are many reasons why politeness is important in life but one of them is that if you're polite, you are more likely to achieve your objectives and get what you want, and people are more likely to take you seriously and deal with you in a good way: this is what experts say.

The key points of politeness are "don't impose, give options, make the other person feel good". This is a balancing act.

But there is a danger that some of your customers might think you are 'weak' and treat you more aggressively.  If we’re too polite,  the other person may feel a little uncomfortable if it’s not appropriate for a particular situation.

Politeness doesn't always work as you have to deal with all types of people in public places. So you have to pick and choose your situations and customers to give your best.

On the whole if you try to put yourself in others' shoes, empathise with people, politeness comes naturally to you. 

As the 19th century American writer Joss Billings said:

Politeness is better than logic. You can often persuade when you cannot convince.

Now, this does not mean that you have to make people feel really happy. It means that they want to feel positive and in control of the situation, and know that you are respecting them, their opinions and their ideas, and their individuality as a person.

If you treat people politely, that means you’re giving them the option to make their own decisions and to have some control over their own life and their own actions.

Most people want to have a positive public image. And if you’re polite, that means that you keep and save that positive public image for them. This creates harmony in a public place. While working in a good atmosphere, you naturally get a psychological boost and work very efficiently.

If you think about all these pluses, you naturally try to be polite. 

Yes, being always artificially polite drains your energy! But if you try to be natural that is a different ball game altogether!

I don't think it is that difficult to be polite naturally except for exceptional situations. That is my experience. And if this helps you I really feel happy.