Realtionships

You face problems with your enemies. But if you face difficulties with your close relatives? That is the most disastrous thing to happen to anyone.

 

One of my friends told me the problems she is facing with her close relatives. This is what she told me: I try to do everything myself and not to depend on anybody for help. However, in some situations taking help becomes necessary.

My immediate family members are very selfish. They don't help me much when I am facing difficult situations. Even if they help me they do it very reluctantly and complaining and criticizing me all the time making the whole experience very bitter. Sometimes after listening to my problems they just give me one or two stupid advises and keep quiet.  But while we are with other relatives, they pretend they are very good and that they are taking care of me well.

 

Much worse, they harass me often and when I take the help from others. My friends help me a lot. Recently some of my friends asked my relatives to help me more and this made them very angry. One of them told me not to talk to him and he didn't want to see my face again. 

 

Did I do something wrong? I never asked my friends to confront my relatives. They themselves felt bad about the way my relatives treat me and tried to interfere. I take help from my friends because they do that willingly, readily and unconditionally. I feel more close to my friends than my relatives and tell them my difficulties. Some of my friends 'guess' that I am not getting any help from my relatives because I approach them for it. They ask me questions. Naturally I tell them the truth. What is wrong with it?

 

I feel like an orphan even though I have blood relatives. I tried to knock some sense into my relatives but they refuse to see my point of view and blame me for the bad shape of our relationship.

I often feel like severing all connections with my family members and leaving them forever but some of them don't allow this because 'other relatives' might criticize them and they might get a bad name. Why should I endure all this and disturb my peace of mind?

 

Krishna: It is the basic human nature to expect help when you need it from your immediate family members and close relatives. If you don't get it in the way it should be for various reasons, you try to become self reliant. That is one positive side. However, we need to take help when we ourselves cannot 'solve our problems'. In human social systems our families become our first defense lines when we are in trouble. Naturally we expect 'more help' and support  from the family members. If you don't get it, you feel bad about it and approach others who could provide it. There is nothing wrong in it. When you are emotionally upset because of indifference from your family members, you tend to get 'close' to people  who are becoming supporting pillars to your existence. 

 

 Just "blood relations" don't define good relationships. How people treat you becomes important factor in deciding the 'closeness'. How you are connected to people emotionally define a relationship. Getting connected depends on various factors like nature of people around you. If people treat you badly, you cannot relate to them in any way. If people are indifferent to your  difficulties, again you feel the 'distance'. 

 

According to you, your friends became closer to you than your blood relatives because of how they treated you. That is fine with me who can understand the situation perfectly well.

 

 But it looks as though your family members  have a different view on this. They feel they are more closer to you just because you and they were born into the same family. That is why they get hurt when you approach others or when others try to tell them to help you. They might think ''who are the 'others' to tell them what to do and how to deal with you". Egos! They are unable to see their own faults in unfolding the whole situation. And that because of their indifference, you had to approach others. And that your friends told them to help you more because they felt for you and your situation as a true friend should be and want it get improved. As an unbiased person I think this is what exactly happened and would happen! 

 

Relationships are several types: Very good, good, mediocre, toxic etc.

 

In toxic relationships, you feel as if you are being strangulated and feel like coming out of them. If it is causing lots of trouble you need not stay in it just because of societies we live in and endure hardships that take away your peace of mind from you.  Coming out of such relationships is good for every one. 

 

We can improve mediocre ones if both sides are  sensible enough to do that. 

 

Not all people treat criticisms equally. While good people try to understand,   self analyse after getting a criticism and  'correct' themselves if they are wrong, medium types ignore it even if they are wrong and worst kind of people not only completely reject it, but attack the critic very badly.  

How a person reacts to a situation tells a lot about the person.

 

Each and every person will have a self constructed image about himself/herself. If somebody tries to disturb it, they feel bad about it. The worst kind of people will attack you back severely. 

Don't worry about the worst kind of people, they lack the characters of being good. They make your life toxic. It is better to move away from them.  

 

But see whether you can improve your relationship with the mediocre ones. 

And don't ever leave the good ones. 

 

Hope my analysis would help you.

 

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After reading the above story, another person sent me her story asking me to suggest a solution. Her story went like this...

I have a cousin who dislikes me for some reason - which I think is because of jealousy - and bullies me whenever we meet. I try to avoid her but she follows me and hurts me all the time. I asked my folks to do something about it but they refused to intervene - because they say they don't want to spoil their relationship with my cousin - which is emboldening my cousin to hurt me more.  Some of my friends tried to talk sense into my folks but they got infuriated, took the side of my cousin and insulted me with severe words. and they are doing this very frequently now. I am distressed. I don't feel like continuing any sort of relationship with my folks anymore. Am I right in my thinking?

 

Krishna: I feel very bad when I hear such stories. Bullies  derive a sadistic pleasure when they hurt some body. They usually select a soft target. Like you said, the silence of your folks is making her to bully you more. Your folks are equally responsible for all this. How can they keep quiet and make you suffer? Their argument that they don't want to spoil their relationship with your cousin sounds very silly. Would they support indirectly a murderer or a rapist too in this way? Bullying is equivalent to such crimes as it emotionally hurts the victim very badly. 

You have to be strong in all this. On the one side you have to face this bully all alone and on the other side you have to face the insults of your folks. It is easy for you to get bitter. But don't lose your courage. 

Stand up and fight this bully and tell her in no uncertain and clear terms that you won't tolerate it any longer. Your strength would definitely make her stop. 

Your family members are good for nothing. They are cowards too. So don't expect any help from them.

In this world you have to face all sorts of people. But frequent insults rob you of your peace of mind. Your folks need some thorough analysis of their behaviour. Try to tell them this. If they refuse to heed, in your place I would move away from them.  

It is up to you to decide whether to continue your relationship with them or not based on your experiences, feelings and equations. I cannot tell you what to do on that front.

I wish you great mental strength.

 

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Another girl wrote ...

My brother-in-law doesn't like us. He insulted me and my parents several times in the past 10 ten years. I have to put up with severe mental torture  a lot because my parents restrained me. Now I have lost my patience. I want to cut all ties with my sister and brother-in -law but my sister is resisting it. She says she tried to talk some sense into her husband but he is just ignoring her and continuing with his insults. She is asking me to bear it and continue our relationship because she doesn't want others to think bad about her and her husband. She is telling me to forget all that her husband says which is becoming increasingly difficult for me. All this is making me very distressed.

What should I do?

Krishna: Oh, my. What type of people are we encountering in our lives?!

Sorry to hear your story. Let me analyze it first. 

Your brother-in-law, obviously, is not a good person and looks like a sadist. How can anyone insult elders and young  girls for no reason? To obtain some sadistic pleasure that's all. And absence of any resistance  from your side and a mild one from your sister is making his cruel pursuits easy. You should have put an end to this in the beginning itself. But in our societies 'damaads' are treated with respect and that is why your parents asked you to tolerate it. Moreover, it looks like your parents are worried about your sister too. However,  some people don't understand   good nature of others and treat it as weakness which I think is responsible for your brother-in-law's unlimited savagery.

Your sister's behaviour  is selfish. She is asking you to tolerate the inhuman behaviour  of her husband so that she could have your continuous love and support. She should have shown more of her strength while trying to control her husband. 

Forgetting insults is very difficult for most people. Sometimes they make very deep wounds and the scars stay life long. If one wants others to push them at least to the background one has to amend the situation like saying 'sorry'. Without any effort on their part your sister cannot simply ask you to forget it. It is not right.

I think ten years is too long a time to tolerate insults day in and day out. You have shown enough patience. Now unless you stop this, you will not have peace of mind.  

Tell your sister clearly that she has to act tough with her husband if she really cares about your relationship.  If she cannot do that ask her to let you do it. 

And don't try to bear more of these insults from your brother-in-law. You have to put an end to this savagery immediately no matter how difficult it is for you. It might even cost you your relationship with your sister. At least you will regain your peace of mind. Your sister and brother-in-law should understand that the behaviour of your brother-in-law is unacceptable. They will have to learn their lessons.

Go ahead with courage and implement it. All the best to you.