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Where does strength come from?

Q: I am getting very disappointed with my life. All my life I was forced to do things people wanted me to do. I was never allowed to do things I wanted to do. Nobody cared about my likes and  dislikes - that includes my grandparents, parents, brothers, my husband, all my relatives and my father and mother-in-law. I was just a subordinate all my life obeying others' orders just because I am a woman.   I am getting very depressed and sometimes suicidal feelings arise in me. Please help.

I am writing to you because you are the type of woman I look up to when I need inspiration and develop love for my life again. 
What did you do to become so strong? Where did you get your strength from? Give  some of it to me too so that I could be myself in my remaining short period of life.
Krishna: My dear sister, I can understand how you feel. But that understanding and sympathy doesn't make your situation any better. 
I feel very sad when I read stories like these. Indian culture says a woman is an incarnation of shakti - strength. Where will all that shakti go when they lead actual lives?  
You will have to come out of this hole and live a life that makes your life worth living. And you will have to do it yourself, using your own mental strength. 
Stories like yours tell us how important that strength is.
Think about this: We have just one life. If we are not allowed to live it in the way we want to, it just becomes a puppet show directed by others. That is where this depression creeps in because of suppression of our dreams, desires, aims, and goals ...
All our lives if we listen to others, when will we serve ourselves and live our own lives?
Yes, you need strength, lots of it, to go against the tide. Where do you get it from? From your own mind!
Where did I get my strength from?
I don't want to tell my story here. 
But think about these things ....
1. My parents never imposed any restrictions on me. They never asked me to do what they wanted. They allowed me to do what I wanted.  My strength came from my parents and their unconditional support. I know - not everybody will be fortunate like me to have good parents.
But I must admit, some of my other relatives 're not like my parents. I had to face a few difficulties because of them but 
2. I ignored everybody else that tried to put a finger in my life's pudding.
Just ignore all the people who try to supress you, criticize you and want you to live your life in the way they think is right. 
The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.
Smarter people spend less time trying to “fit in”. Smarter people are just too occupied with far more interesting pursuits than pleasing a bunch of cliquers preoccupied with how to control others' lives.
Smarter and stronger people are more or less happy with themselves or at least with being themselves doing what they’re doing, so they don’t feel compelled to morph according to the tastes and convenience of others and, in fact, consider it not very smart to do so.
The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd.
The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.
This is your life, you will have to be the master of your life, not others. You will have to decide its destiny, not others. But sadly a woman is not allowed to do that in our societies and unless a woman is extremely strong, she cannot withstand this pressure from people around. 
3. To become strong , women have to be independent, not only economically but also emotionally. If you expect emotional support from others, you will naturally get blackmailed emotionally and not allowed to move forward freely. 
That is where my strength came from too, from my fierce independent nature -  both economical and emotional. I don't depend on anybody for anything. So nobody can  dictate things to me. 
A strong woman understands that the gifts such as logic, decisiveness, and strength are just as feminine as intuition and emotional connection. Feminine version of strength has a charm of its own.
4. Just remove all the people who think they can control you with their stupidity from your immediate circle. These people should not be given an important  place in your life. People make mistakes and say hurtful things at times, but a mentally strong woman can overcome the “haters” by ignoring those comments. Ignoring these messages is difficult, but it is possible. We never want to feel defined by others, so we must learn to not be phased by the negativity that other people might bring into our lives.
Self-Worth Should Never Be Determined By Anyone Else’s Opinion
Mentally strong women stay focused on growing stronger and becoming better, regardless of what their critics say. There’s no need for them to prove their inner strength to anyone else for attention. They recognize that their strength will likely remind others of their own weaknesses. 
There’s No Need To Shrink Yourself For Other People’s Comfort
A strong woman is a woman determined to do something others are determined not be done.
5. Show ' visible and right power' in your thoughts and deeds.  
Nobody dares to touch a high tension wire. If they try, they will become  coal and ash in no time. 
6. Aim at all things you like and never allow anything else to waver your sight. 
7. Get lots of genuine knowledge. Only knowledge can liberate people. Expertise  gives tremendous confidence.
8. Processing the knowledge with critical thinking gives you great strength. You never feel weak if you can do this.
9. Having physical strength too is important along with mental strength to achieve your goals.
10. Mentally strong women take care of themselves, while also caring for others. It is necessary for us to develop positive relationships with ourselves.
11.  Mentally strong women are completely and totally true to themselves. There is no need to change oneself to satisfy others, and we do not need to change to impress others. Showing that we are comfortable with the lives we have been given is a major part of being true to ourselves, and loving our mind goes right along with that comfort.
There is constant pressure for women to “be” the way the world wants them to be — courteous, quiet, and pretty. 

In the process, our culture has developed certain “gender norms” that can affect their ability to grow up and become strong women.  

Mentally strong women recognize how these pressures can lead to detrimental habits — such as insisting on perfection, staying silent, and engaging in toxic self-blame. So they go against the grain. They do things that help them build strength and be their best, regardless of whether they fit into cultural expectations or stereotypical gender roles.

12. Mentally strong women know that they can own their success without sounding arrogant. They’re happy with their efforts, and they aren’t afraid to talk about their accomplishments. 
13. Mental strength isn’t something you can force on anyone. But your desire to grow stronger and become better can inspire others. Several men, apart from women, told me they got inspired by my strength!

Mentally strong women know that strength has a ripple effect, yet they don’t lecture, nag, or beg people to change. Instead, they lead by example. And their energy in creating the strongest version of themselves often inspires others to follow their lead. 

14. A strong woman isn't afraid of anything or anybody. She goes about everything very confidently.

15. Never feel guilty for being strong. You deserve it. 

The world needs strong women. Women who will lift and build others, who will love and be loved, women who live bravely, both tender and fierce, women of indomitable will.

Remember, each time you stand up for yourself, you stand up for all women, and all of humanity. 

This is how I lead my life.

My strength comes from my own mind. 

I know these suggestions don't change people. It is their own innate desire to change that is what matters the most. 

I saw a desire in you to change the situation you are in. I am just trying to inspire you one more time.

Read this poem I wrote sometime back by clicking on the link: 

WHEN BEING STRONG BECOMES YOUR ONLY CHOICE

----

A girl sent me this message after reading this reply of mine :

Ma'am, I am glad I read your article on mental strength. But when I try to be strong my boy friend says, "Go fall in love with a dog and keep it with you as your partner for the rest of your life. You don't deserve a man in your life if you try to be a female version of Mohammad Ali".

Krishna: :)  

This is what a feminist said in a similar situation: "Our dog shows unconditional love. It doesn't complain when I try to be mentally strong and try to achieve my goals. It feels happy when I am happy. It doesn't bother if I try to be Sati Sita or a female version of Ajamu ( warrior who fights for what he wants, African origin). Now decide who is better, you or our dog. Which one should I keep?"

Need I tell you, the feminist's husband was unable to open his mouth again?

Q: And another one, this time a man, asked me this Q: Can women really walk alone if they don't abide by their societies' rules and rebel?

And this is my reply to him: Several women are doing that. And happily living their lives in the way they want. Want evidence? Come and meet me I will show them to you in person.

Q: Are you a feminist, Dr. Krishna?

Krishna: If feminism is about all genders having equal rights and opportunities; It's about respecting diverse women's experiences, identities, knowledge and strengths, and striving to empower all women to realise their full rights, yes, I am!

If a feminist is one who believes In, and is committed to, the idea of true equality between the sexes, and that means the development of women to their fullest potential and full partnership, and participation by women in all decisions of society, yes, I am.

Q: Dr. Krishna, when I read some of your answers like this one and your other articles, I thought you were old and very matured. But I attended one of your lectures recently. You looked very young. I am confused now.  What is the truth? 

Krishna: Truth? It is blowing in the wind. Catch it if you can!

It gives me great pleasure to confuse men like this. :) 

Even if you see the official records you won't get the right answer to your Q. Because even official records don't give  my DOB correctly. 

Anyways, does that matter? Just concentrate on the subject matter and forget about my personal details.   

Q: Dr.Krishna, your reply to this Q made me realize what I lost in my life. I lost my life itself. I am a man, not a woman. I was in love with a girl. But my parents didn't agree  to my marriage with the girl I loved because she belonged to another caste. On the day of my marriage with another girl of my parents' choice I cried a lot. I don't have any feelings towards my wife. She just exists in my life.

 Like you said I have  just one life. But because of my weakness, I couldn't say 'no' to my parents' choice. I couldn't live my life with the girl I loved. I feel miserable. What should I do now? I have a 10 year old son.

Krishna: When I hear stories like these I get mixed feelings. 

Angry because you 'deceived' the girl you loved. Annoyed because you couldn't change the culturally conditioned minds of your parents.  Displeased because you couldn't think or anticipate all these things before proceeding the affair with the girl. 

Vexed at your parents' stubbornness.

Sad because you are mentally weak. Unhappy because a girl's life became miserable because of you. Dejected because two lives couldn't realize their dreams. 

Resentful about the useless caste system.  

Regretful because another girl (your wife) and son have to bear the consequences for your shortcomings.

Just one person's weakness can cause so many disasters!

Tell me now, is mental imperfection good? I can understand not everybody can be strong mentally. But strength can be gained if people really want it.

Is love like a cinema ticket to get a ticket for another one if you don't get for the one you like?

Anyway, I don't want to make you more  miserable with my review.

I just analysed this because I don't want others too to follow you. I want them to be strong to avoid these type of situations. 

Boys or girls, don't proceed with love if you don't have the courage to face and fight the obstacles you might face in realizing your dreams. Don't make others' lives unhappy because of your inadequacies.

Now coming to your own story,  you have asked me, 'What should I do now?'

You have to decide it yourself. I can only analyse the consequences of your deeds.

If you leave your wife and marry this girl again, your wife will suffer more. Do you have the right to make an innocent woman  suffer? Think about that.

Do you have the courage to fight your parents and family now? Think about it.

Does the girl you loved accept you again now? Think about that.

If you have a son what will be his future like if you get separated from your wife? 

What if you won't be able to cope with new situations that arise because of your actions?

What if you get entangled in more knots?

You have only one life alright but so do others. Don't make their's miserable because of your immature actions and reactions. 

If you can see the situation from another angle, in case you decide to leave your wife and marry your girl friend -

Your wife might get liberation from her agony of living with a log. 

Your girl friend might still have feelings for you and accept you again and feel happy about it.

Your parents might have realized their mistake and might accept your 'amendments'.

Your son might develop a broad mind to forgive his dad. 

You might live a happy life with your new wife. 

Think thoroughly atleast now before taking any decision. Be strong and unbiased while doing that. 

Think about all the people in your life, especially their happiness.

Q: Is it necessary for girls to get married in India?

Q: Why is it so important for Indian girls to get married?
Krishna: Who says so?

A culturally conditioned mind!

A fearful mind!

A dependent mind!

An emotional mind!

I am none of these. So I would say, it is not important to get married, for anybody.

There are many things that are more important than marriage that give more satisfaction and meaning to your life.

Wake up to courage!

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Permalink Reply by Dr. Krishna Kumari Challa on May 8, 2022 at 10:59am

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