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How to handle the squabbles

Q: Dr. Krishna, my mother and wife always squabble. If I support my mother, my wife will fight with me. If I support my wife my mother gets annoyed. I am suffering in between. What should I do?

Q: We are four friends. Two of my friends always argue on some issue or the other. We are being caught in between and getting battered. What should we do?

Krishna: "Suffering in between" is an expression used by people who don't know how to tackle the issue.

Usually our biases play a role and you end up supporting the person you love or like more even if they are wrong, complicating the issue! Or if you don't like one person you frequently think that the person is always wrong. Or if you are afraid of one person or depend on him/her for emotional support, you support that person without giving a second thought. Or if your family is fighting with your neighbour, or relatives you naturally support your family as you think it is 'closer' to you. Or if one person is in a 'higher position' in a society, you support them irrespective of their 'correctness'. Or if you yourself are unable to understand and decide which side is right.

People choose one side over the other depending on their own value judgments but not real facts. What makes a side right or wrong is that side’s objectives and goals. You pick your side based on your personal beliefs that match the side you like.

Prejudice, partiality, partisanship, favouritism, unfairness, one-sidedness, bigotry, intolerance, chauvinism, discrimination, predisposition, leaning - call it with any name but these things will definitely influence your behaviour if you are not a critical thinker.

But in every fight there will be only one right side of the issue and the other one is ego or selfishness (or self-interest) or insecurity or inferiority complex.

It’s also not a question of ‘most correct’.

The correct, the right, the proper, the humane, the good side.

I think one should always support the right position, not people. And explain to the other side what they are doing is not appropriate and they should downsize their ego or whatever that is causing the friction.

Sit the squabbling sides down and tell them frankly and in detail why one is right and the other one is illusioned and clearly tell them you are not taking peoples' sides but the right position side.

But the problem here is most people don't understand the difference between supporting the right position and people. Even if you support the right position, people think you are taking the other person's side as you are biased.

If you really are unbiased, this accusation doesn't bother you. At least you will get the satisfaction that you have chosen the right path.

"Talk" and talk freely and frankly. If they listen and understand your point and position properly, they will stop squabbling unnecessarily. But if they don't (some don't, I can understand that), tell them clearly you won't support the wrong position and in no way bothered about their opinions or feelings and will maintain a distance from them, they will understand that as nobody is supporting them, they will re-analyse their behaviour.

Usually somebody's support or silence is what makes the wrong side to go ahead with their wrong ways and harass the right side.

It is mostly your fault and your inadequacies that are leading to these types of situations.

Think about this:

"If I were to remain silent, I'd be guilty of complicity"

How to handle the squabbles

"If I were to remain silent, I'd be guilty of complicity"

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